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(i can't believe the Onion didn't think of this. it simply HAD to be written, so i did the honors.)
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God vows to destroy Florida before 2004 presidential election
In a last-ditch effort to keep Bush from obtaining a second U.S. presidential term, God has begun a vigorous campaign to obliterate Florida before it fucks up yet another election.
“Last election,” says God, “I was so busy trying to slaughter the last few Y2K survivalist groups, that the whole Florida re-count thing totally slipped by me. This time around, I’m taking no chances: as of November 2nd, the insane state of Florida will be history.”
God has made progress in the form of hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne. Not only have many Florida residents been killed or rendered too hopeless to vote, over 90 polling places and several voting computer systems have been damaged beyond repair. However, with only a few days left until D-Day, God loudly sighs at the work remaining.
“Karl, Lisa, Matthew, and Nicole all proved to be duds. I have high hopes for Otto and Paula over the next few days, though. Paula knows that she’ll never go near that BCBG dress she’s been eyeing at Foley’s for over a month if she doesn’t pull through, and I had a long talk with Otto last night about the difference between being a boy and a man, as well as the various levels of Heaven.”
God also reports that Florida has begun a counterstrike. “Not only has Florida implemented ‘Early Voting,’ but that dumb bastard Jeb Bush made sure an executive order was issued so that absentee ballots were sent to many homeless Floridians.”
God admits to not having the logistics for the next few days all worked out yet. “I’m not sure whether or not I want to destroy the Panhandle first, with its masses of surfer-hicks, or Miami, with its proliferation of drug lords affecting irritating accents a la Michael Wincott in The Crow. Eh, I don’t guess it matters -- I’ve never been much of an aesthetician, after all.”
When asked why God has gone back on his promise never again to destroy His creations via water, the Almighty replied, “Hell, you let the birth of Jeb Bush slip past your Omniscient Eye and into the political realm, and see what Zeus and Jupiter have to say when you’re trying to relax with a gin and tonic down at Club Persephone. All bets are fucking off.”
c. mdb
m
God vows to destroy Florida before 2004 presidential election
In a last-ditch effort to keep Bush from obtaining a second U.S. presidential term, God has begun a vigorous campaign to obliterate Florida before it fucks up yet another election.
“Last election,” says God, “I was so busy trying to slaughter the last few Y2K survivalist groups, that the whole Florida re-count thing totally slipped by me. This time around, I’m taking no chances: as of November 2nd, the insane state of Florida will be history.”
God has made progress in the form of hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne. Not only have many Florida residents been killed or rendered too hopeless to vote, over 90 polling places and several voting computer systems have been damaged beyond repair. However, with only a few days left until D-Day, God loudly sighs at the work remaining.
“Karl, Lisa, Matthew, and Nicole all proved to be duds. I have high hopes for Otto and Paula over the next few days, though. Paula knows that she’ll never go near that BCBG dress she’s been eyeing at Foley’s for over a month if she doesn’t pull through, and I had a long talk with Otto last night about the difference between being a boy and a man, as well as the various levels of Heaven.”
God also reports that Florida has begun a counterstrike. “Not only has Florida implemented ‘Early Voting,’ but that dumb bastard Jeb Bush made sure an executive order was issued so that absentee ballots were sent to many homeless Floridians.”
God admits to not having the logistics for the next few days all worked out yet. “I’m not sure whether or not I want to destroy the Panhandle first, with its masses of surfer-hicks, or Miami, with its proliferation of drug lords affecting irritating accents a la Michael Wincott in The Crow. Eh, I don’t guess it matters -- I’ve never been much of an aesthetician, after all.”
When asked why God has gone back on his promise never again to destroy His creations via water, the Almighty replied, “Hell, you let the birth of Jeb Bush slip past your Omniscient Eye and into the political realm, and see what Zeus and Jupiter have to say when you’re trying to relax with a gin and tonic down at Club Persephone. All bets are fucking off.”
c. mdb
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Texas
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Re: God vows to destroy Florida before 2004 presidential election
Fri, October 29, 2004 - 10:25 PMFlorida!
Florida's a peninsula, right?
Is there a connection between the word 'peninsula' and the word 'penis'? Because, Florida kind of looks like our country's.....uh....nevermind.
I apologize to any friends I may have in FLA. -
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Re: God vows to destroy Florida before 2004 presidential election
Fri, October 29, 2004 - 11:10 PMeh, that's ok. i'm a Florida native. :)
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